Ashana Lian's Fantasy Lab



Fantasy and Fantasy Writing from every angle: fantasy and sci-fi novels, films, artwork, superhero cartoons, children's and YA books, manga, anime, video games and comics. Put the microscope on 'Geek Culture'.

Sunday, 7 February 2016

Headache



Headaches are rare for me, and I suspect they’re telling me that I’m cracking under pressure. Aside from being miserable and always feeling unfulfilled, I’m trapped in a ridiculous situation where not being able to write makes me kind of sick and crazy, and yet, writing for any length of time also makes me kind of sick and crazy. I’m isolated and lonely, but I can’t speak to anyone. I’m bored and idle, but nothing holds my attention. I’m stressed and my muscles are so tense that my body aches, and it’s painful, but nothing seems to relax me. I can’t sleep. I’ll keep trying. Depression is the worst kind of mental torture, trapped in the prison of my own insecure psyche. I just want to go to sleep, permanently.


Ashana Lian .

P.S. The image above is from the book Reasons To Stay Alive by Matt Haig. I also wanted to share a writerly quote:

Writing is a form of therapy; sometimes I wonder how all those who do not write, compose, or paint can manage to escape the madness, melancholia, the panic and fear which is inherent in a human situation.” ― Graham Greene, Ways Of Escape
 

8 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry you're struggling. That really really stinks, and I wish I could say something that would make it all better. But usually I only get through my own bouts of depression through gritting my teeth and waiting it out, even though that sucks. So I feel for you.

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    1. I know. And thank you for even commenting - don't worry at all about not knowing what to say. Nobody ever does.

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  2. I'm so sorry that you're going through this Ashana. I know things must be very hard for you at the moment, but I know you can get through it, even if it is torture at the moment.

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    1. It's so awkward to share such personal feelings. I don't know what's more awkward; writing about it or figuring out what to say to those kind enough to comment after reading it. For what it's worth, thanks a million.

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  3. The only balm I have to offer is music. I'd always recommend listening to something - anything. Recently I can't help but be in awe (read: sort of scared but sort of in wonder of too) of how much control our mind has over us. In that even one tiny and if you think about it rationally, negligible trigger can have us immediately wrapped up in the blanket of depression. And of course when you're there there's no knowing how to "get out" so to speak. Music helps, if only because it helps us transition to other states of mind rather than being stuck in the same ol' state of mind - and if it doesn't, at least, for a while, you can kid yourself that it does. :) Hope you get well soon Ashana x

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    1. Great advice - its true. Music has helped a lot. Odesza has been my lifeline for the past 6 months; it's brilliant that some of their tracks are just music, no words. Thank you.

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  4. I found your blog just now through Ashley G, and I couldn't go without saying something, as I have also dealt with hormonal/chemical and situational depression.

    I want to say that
    a) YOU ARE NOT ALONE. There are many of us, like myself, who have felt that sheer exhaustion of spirit, the loss of will to carry on. I think nearly EVERYONE suffers depression at some point. This does NOT diminish your struggle. But it does let you tell that voice in your head that "you are alone" is a lie. You're not alone. You're very, very not.

    b) IF YOU EVER FEEL LIKE IT WOULD BE BETTER TO CEASE TO BE remember me telling you this now: NO. You can't see it, but I'm promising you, as one who has been in the hole, you MATTER. Your existence is necessary. I am a completely stranger and I am telling you, YOU. MATTER. Don't forget that I said this.

    c) THERE IS ALWAYS SOMETHING TO LIVE FOR. It doesn't matter if you can't feel the joy in the moment. Depression quashes that. But the love, it's still there, even if the flame is not. For me, it was my husband and my baby. I still love them. I still want to be with them. That kept me going, even when everything was dark and all I wanted to do was dig my heart out of my own chest and cry.

    d) PLEASE, ASK FOR HELP. When you are blind and in the hole, you can't always pull yourself out. You need someone understanding on the outside to just hold you and tell you, YOU ARE OKAY. THIS WILL FADE. Do not go through this alone. Please. I promise you, I have been there. It may come on me again.

    This is me, a complete stranger. Hold your head up, darling, even if you're crying. You want to see where your life is a year from now. Don't deny yourself that adventure. <3

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    1. Hi Jenny! What a wonderful comment ._.

      When I finally emerge from an episode of depression and I think back to my lowest point, I can't even logically, rationally explain why those thoughts go through my head. It's like I'm a different person (I feel like that a lot). I try to remind myself of some of the things you've said to keep the worst of the feelings at bay.
      So thanks for reminding me of this extremely important advice. As always, I'm gonna do my best to keep it together. It means a lot that you took the time to comment.

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